bloody. today is the last day of my revision week. tomorrow i've got to sit for one paper. frankly, i dont feel that confidence this time. last sem, i felt that everything is under control, my control. but this sem, things (studies) are more unexpectable, but i guess i can manage it well.
last night had a small argue with my mum, just a tiny tiny one. but she said something which comes as a huge shock to me. she sad i'm fat that i look horrible. m i really? cos i never thought of myself as being fat, just chubby, plump. but my mom said i'm fat, wow... anyway, i don't care, i'm not my sis, i'm not a bamboo. if she thinks that i embarrass her, i can't help it either, i'm build this way, at least i'm happy with myself. maybe she can spend another 10k on me and send me to marie france, just like she did. then i might be looking like christy chung and make her proud.
i shall get to my notes now and make a final preparation for my final...

niki told me bout this artist - yoshitomo nara. i thought i saw his art pieces before, just can't remember where. anyway, he's interesting. 

sacrifice enjoy, enjoy sacrifice - Chen Shih-Hsin (taiwanese olympic taekwondo gold medalist)


p/s: i found this blog super interesting pissedliberals.blogspot.com

i'm so stress.........

at some point that i really feel like vomitting. i have my final coming up next week, but that's not the ultimate source of my pressure. this, horrible, suffocating stress is making me wanna pounce at myself, right there in the middle of my tummy, just to let go of the mighty pressure in me.
final exam will never make me feel this way, its, urgh........ a lot of problems, emotional ones, making me feel really bad. these couple of days, ooh i really donno where to start. just leave that.
just now, my parents had an interesting fight, again. its about my brother. ok, i really really really pity him that now he's got to stay in a boring apartment (my rented one) alone, to work in a very busy city, in which if u dont have much frens, its gonna make u feel much more lonely (got wat i mean?). n today, his bike broke down, again. and he has got to take the bus to work. you know, my mom, felt so bad for him, and he told my dad that they should get him a car, probably a second-hand. so my dad said what?, get him a car? he's at that age that he should really take total care of himself, i'm not gonna look after him his whole life. and bala bala bala......
well i think my dad has got a point there. sometimes, i'm really a bit angry n jealous at my siblings that when they have got that opportunity, they didnt appreciate it. i'm talking bout a couple of years back when my dad's business was at the top of the world. he could afford to send them, OUT THERE. and last year, when i graduated from high school, i was ready to get OUT THERE, but i was held back, cos my dad retired. so now im BACK HERE, watching my frens OUT THERE. i'm........ angry, i'm ANGRY!!! why m i THE ONE??? i'm ready, so ready, to get OUT THERE. and now i'm not even sure if i'm going anywhere 2 yrs later. im so doubtful, soo confuse......
my mom is always siding my bro, listening to my sis, and thinking that i'm the one who's the unsteady one. my dad is always listening to my sis, scolding my bro, and making me feel like i'm the biggest spender. well, i'm living at this time when things r really unstable. i dont know how to explain this whole thing. sch fees, the economics, the politics, the society......
i need to look forward, i have to because there is no other option. i'm lucky that i have a bunch of frens who's really there, some of them more fortunate, some of them less. they help me c things more clearly. i'm less family-oriented n more fren-bound. and i'm really glad with that.

i was doing my sociology revision and in the religion chapter, karl marx said : Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people. it is, but it is less... secularization is occuring, which means less n less ppl are believing religion, they turn to science. but last night, i watched a show, that guy said, religion has been with us for thousand of years while science is just a couple hundred years old. a lot of ppl nowadays only believe in what can be prooved by science, that guy said, its called, scientific superstitious... wat do u think?

nothing much happen, im having my study week=boring.  

my mom bought me this dzi bead this morning. i've read something about dzi beads before in a news article. it's said that they (the beads) has divine power... my mom said its good for my studies. the salesperson said its guaranteed. if no effect after 3 months, its returnable. well, i thought studies or work requires long term commitment, then u'll c how it goes. but we'll c... i really really hopes it will bring good study luck to me. when my mom told me this morning, i nearly blurt out, "y don't u get me a relationship dzi bead......." cos i needed it. but i didnt say that to her, she'll be freaked out. anyway, i love this thing. i thought it looks mysterious, dont u think so? 

alright, alright!

ok, after long hours of thinking n consideration, i've concluded that, i, didnt fall for that guy. it just happens that ppl around me are having somebody, you know, n i just grab somebody n thought that i fell for him, no no. its just a funny thought. i've made it clear, now. plus, he dont really know me, n i dont really know him, how could that ever be possible?! silly me...
my graphic design final assignment, corporate identity, is under construction. i found it quite fun, but i dont have strong,... um... feeling for it. i cant imagine myself, actually studying it. well, i guess i've found a new hobby, its really really fun. so i gotta get going n finish up my masterpiece.......

even he's old... he still looks great. he's got that aura, of a gentleman... oh.... 

wo-ho...

I think, I’m not sure whether this is good, but I felt that it’s bad, really uh-uh. Cos I think, I fell for this guy. He’s, oh, I can’t say it, I just can’t. I need more time to make sure myself…

hm...h.....

What does family means actually? I’m a bit confuse here… really, I think its so goddamn abstract that I donno what it means. Some says it’s a person’s ultimate source, I donno what exactly it means either. I say, to me, it basically means – a blank word, with no specific meaning. I’m not being self-pity or what, but I do, not feeling like I belong to my family, I mean I don’t feel useful or what. It’s so hard to explain this, cos I don’t even know it. It’s just that, we don’t have strong bond in this family. Well, at least I’m still longing for home every weekend, for Poppy. He’s the power driving me home every week. But lately, I notice that my longing-ness to come home is decreasing. From the outside, it does look graceful. All the physical, material stuff. Big house, healthy parents, beautiful kids… but in the inside, its rotting, serious cracks, it’s shattering. The damages done, nothing much could be done now, nothing could help. You know, you can’t help it, you just feel hopeless, automatically. We’re all way too grown now; it’s hard, really difficult.
My dad and bro got a fight; this is one of the few serious shits. Things are getting really sour, I just hope, with all my… heart, that things will get, even *1/100 of my pinky* this bit better… well, it sounds really naïve, but sometimes I wish I could keep some of my hopes (when I’m really hopefuls) and use them later… how nice, how sweet…

it's been quite some time since i wrote here... well, life is smooth, nth special happen actually. i definitely need something to spice up my life, say, a relationship, a man, might help... last week i was doing a sociology assignment about indian wedding. think it's quite interesting, but i do have my very own dream wedding......

this is funny, my sister sent it to me... 

and the grren light ice cubes! 

there is always something funky about the cocktail... 

wat a week... it was a busy week, and it will be a busy week ahead. cos i have 2 assignments, the deadline's next week. dang! should have prepare earlier, but the outcome, i believe, will be just the same.  

black black november... i donno y, but started from last year, my novembers is full of surprises, pack with a lot of problems, and always bring me to tears... should i call it black november, or the growth month? without all these troubles, and joys, and tears, i'll never be stronger. i'm more independent, and have more responsibility... so i guess it’s a good thing after all... oh yeah i know, i shall call these days, the bitter-sweet times...

bush wins?! if he really did win the seat, hope this time he'll do something good n nice and useful, which can convince everyone in the world that he is, really really good... but it seems like the ppl like what he did... 

how does it feels...

imagine a father tells his childeren that they make him wanna die... that they are his burdens and he finds no happiness and feels no bliss thinking bout his family. i consider that that's his failure, probably his biggest failure in his life. isn't that pitiful?
and how does the children feel? of course they feel like shit... i need not say much bout that, don't i?

tell me life is wonderful...

How nice is it if things were simpler… im having one of those feeling of helplessness again. I think its probably the worst feeling one should feel. Everytime it just makes me think and wish: if only I don’t feel a thing… if only I’m immune to helplessness, if only I have no feeling or emotions at all… if only, things were easier.
Have you ever feel that people around you are irritated because of you, that you are their burden, as if they can’t wait to dispense you, throw you away as far as they could… once again, I hate this feeling. People thought you were the only one who’s having fun, that you don’t feel that they hate you… they are so very wrong, I feel it, and it makes me think that if only, I’m not there, that I never really existed.
You can’t help it but sometimes you think that death is the easiest way out. When you see other people commit suicide, you’ll think that how dumb are they to do that. But when something really stressful and devastating happen on you, you wish you were one of them.
I feel like banging my head to the wall, and collapse, and never wake up again. But what had happened is not that serious that banging my head can’t help a thing. There’s always ways to settle things. So hope I’ll get it thru and see sunshine again.