What does family means actually? I’m a bit confuse here… really, I think its so goddamn abstract that I donno what it means. Some says it’s a person’s ultimate source, I donno what exactly it means either. I say, to me, it basically means – a blank word, with no specific meaning. I’m not being self-pity or what, but I do, not feeling like I belong to my family, I mean I don’t feel useful or what. It’s so hard to explain this, cos I don’t even know it. It’s just that, we don’t have strong bond in this family. Well, at least I’m still longing for home every weekend, for Poppy. He’s the power driving me home every week. But lately, I notice that my longing-ness to come home is decreasing. From the outside, it does look graceful. All the physical, material stuff. Big house, healthy parents, beautiful kids… but in the inside, its rotting, serious cracks, it’s shattering. The damages done, nothing much could be done now, nothing could help. You know, you can’t help it, you just feel hopeless, automatically. We’re all way too grown now; it’s hard, really difficult.
My dad and bro got a fight; this is one of the few serious shits. Things are getting really sour, I just hope, with all my… heart, that things will get, even *1/100 of my pinky* this bit better… well, it sounds really naïve, but sometimes I wish I could keep some of my hopes (when I’m really hopefuls) and use them later… how nice, how sweet…
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