alright, alright!

ok, after long hours of thinking n consideration, i've concluded that, i, didnt fall for that guy. it just happens that ppl around me are having somebody, you know, n i just grab somebody n thought that i fell for him, no no. its just a funny thought. i've made it clear, now. plus, he dont really know me, n i dont really know him, how could that ever be possible?! silly me...
my graphic design final assignment, corporate identity, is under construction. i found it quite fun, but i dont have strong,... um... feeling for it. i cant imagine myself, actually studying it. well, i guess i've found a new hobby, its really really fun. so i gotta get going n finish up my masterpiece.......

even he's old... he still looks great. he's got that aura, of a gentleman... oh.... 

wo-ho...

I think, I’m not sure whether this is good, but I felt that it’s bad, really uh-uh. Cos I think, I fell for this guy. He’s, oh, I can’t say it, I just can’t. I need more time to make sure myself…

hm...h.....

What does family means actually? I’m a bit confuse here… really, I think its so goddamn abstract that I donno what it means. Some says it’s a person’s ultimate source, I donno what exactly it means either. I say, to me, it basically means – a blank word, with no specific meaning. I’m not being self-pity or what, but I do, not feeling like I belong to my family, I mean I don’t feel useful or what. It’s so hard to explain this, cos I don’t even know it. It’s just that, we don’t have strong bond in this family. Well, at least I’m still longing for home every weekend, for Poppy. He’s the power driving me home every week. But lately, I notice that my longing-ness to come home is decreasing. From the outside, it does look graceful. All the physical, material stuff. Big house, healthy parents, beautiful kids… but in the inside, its rotting, serious cracks, it’s shattering. The damages done, nothing much could be done now, nothing could help. You know, you can’t help it, you just feel hopeless, automatically. We’re all way too grown now; it’s hard, really difficult.
My dad and bro got a fight; this is one of the few serious shits. Things are getting really sour, I just hope, with all my… heart, that things will get, even *1/100 of my pinky* this bit better… well, it sounds really naïve, but sometimes I wish I could keep some of my hopes (when I’m really hopefuls) and use them later… how nice, how sweet…

it's been quite some time since i wrote here... well, life is smooth, nth special happen actually. i definitely need something to spice up my life, say, a relationship, a man, might help... last week i was doing a sociology assignment about indian wedding. think it's quite interesting, but i do have my very own dream wedding......

this is funny, my sister sent it to me... 

and the grren light ice cubes! 

there is always something funky about the cocktail... 

wat a week... it was a busy week, and it will be a busy week ahead. cos i have 2 assignments, the deadline's next week. dang! should have prepare earlier, but the outcome, i believe, will be just the same.  

black black november... i donno y, but started from last year, my novembers is full of surprises, pack with a lot of problems, and always bring me to tears... should i call it black november, or the growth month? without all these troubles, and joys, and tears, i'll never be stronger. i'm more independent, and have more responsibility... so i guess it’s a good thing after all... oh yeah i know, i shall call these days, the bitter-sweet times...

bush wins?! if he really did win the seat, hope this time he'll do something good n nice and useful, which can convince everyone in the world that he is, really really good... but it seems like the ppl like what he did... 

how does it feels...

imagine a father tells his childeren that they make him wanna die... that they are his burdens and he finds no happiness and feels no bliss thinking bout his family. i consider that that's his failure, probably his biggest failure in his life. isn't that pitiful?
and how does the children feel? of course they feel like shit... i need not say much bout that, don't i?

tell me life is wonderful...

How nice is it if things were simpler… im having one of those feeling of helplessness again. I think its probably the worst feeling one should feel. Everytime it just makes me think and wish: if only I don’t feel a thing… if only I’m immune to helplessness, if only I have no feeling or emotions at all… if only, things were easier.
Have you ever feel that people around you are irritated because of you, that you are their burden, as if they can’t wait to dispense you, throw you away as far as they could… once again, I hate this feeling. People thought you were the only one who’s having fun, that you don’t feel that they hate you… they are so very wrong, I feel it, and it makes me think that if only, I’m not there, that I never really existed.
You can’t help it but sometimes you think that death is the easiest way out. When you see other people commit suicide, you’ll think that how dumb are they to do that. But when something really stressful and devastating happen on you, you wish you were one of them.
I feel like banging my head to the wall, and collapse, and never wake up again. But what had happened is not that serious that banging my head can’t help a thing. There’s always ways to settle things. So hope I’ll get it thru and see sunshine again.