You can run, but you can't hide.

I realize I'm running away, avoiding something lately.

Not exactly sure what it is, but it has been a turbulent year so far, though things had quiet down a bit these couple weeks, but the accumulated emotions had not been totally shed off.

It's tough to describe the exact feeling right now, but one thing for sure, it's not happiness.

I just wish I could run to somewhere, a place I can really, really cry and don't need to pretend I'm strong.

What's wrong with me? Something's definitely not right. Why the frustration? Why the anxiety? Why the restlessness?

I don't know, God, can you please, fix me now! I beg you!

Where is the missing piece?

You and I, something is missing between us.

What is it exactly? I can't tell for sure.

But it's turning black, it seems that we can't click somewhere.

The differences are starting to surface, and they are getting more and more obvious.

Just like white from black...

That missing piece must be searched and put back, before it all falls apart.

How to...

I was searching for an answer how doctors disposed of amputated limbs and when I typed in the word 'how', guess what's on top of the list for searches that start with it:

how to make love?! with 360 million results. What the shikes?! I mean shouldn't that be intrinsic? You don't need to be taught on how to make love, it should be the positions that people have to learn.

Well anyway, on how docs disposed of medical wastes, they're incinerated. Now that I should have thought of! Silly me!

Utter desolation

As if being homeless was not enough after a 7.00 magnitude quake, many Haiti quake survivors had to deal with another blow - amputations.

Was reading the updates from CBS news about the quake. CNN reported that a 5.8 magnitude earthquake had struck off the coast of Cayman Islands, 600 miles west of Haiti on Tuesday morning. It seems like the calamities are not calling it a day soon.

What gave my heart a great thump was news that many survivors had to have amputations, some double, from diseases like gangrene and other infections.

Their lives are not as easier as ours, where amputees had opportunities to shine in lifes, through various channels and technologies.

They depend greatly on manpower for a living.

It's giving me great reflection towards my own life, and theirs. I'm counting my blessing, such abundance I have!

At this juncture, I couldn't have ask for anything more. I have to, and I must pray, as there's nothing I could do that could make their lives easier.

God help your children!

-Pictures courtesy of CBS News-

Drained.

I'm finding it more and more difficult nowadays to pen down blog or diary entry. It seems that part of my brain ain't functioning that well anymore.

So let me, try in vain to pen down what I saw and experienced from covering the dragon boat tragedy for the last couple days.

Received a call from one of the editors at bout noon on Sunday, I was in the midst of cell group gathering and when he asked me to back up another colleague at the Macallum Street Ghaut I thought: well, another accident to cover and report.

But the gravity of the incident was way greater than what I've expected. The entrance to the shore was guarded and there were a small crowd gathering outside, peeking whenever the door was opened. They were too naive to think that they could catch a glimpse. There's still a distance to the shore from where the door was.

The first thing I noticed was the heavy presence of police and personnel of several other government agencies like Bomba's search and rescue team, JPA, and also the volunteers from Tzu Chi.

There's the hot wind and dusty air. The atmosphere was intense with the family members crying and staring towards the sea.

At 2.45pm, a boat came ashore with the black corpse bag. Bad.

Parents and family members rushed beside the body. Some friends of the boy screamed his name, followed by callings by the family members.

Let me cut the story short. No body was found on the same day but the remaining four bodies, of the six who went missing and drowned after a dragon boat training mishap were recovered on Monday.

Family members and relatives of those bodies that weren't found on Sunday itself camped there the whole night.

The picture was of a heart-wrenching one. Here a mother stared into space and talking to herself; there another holding on to the backpack of her son, clutching the last scent and warmth of her beloved one. The worst was when family members clung to the bodies brought to the shore.

I couldn't imagine the pain they were going through, but I know it's enough to die a thousand times. I'm sure they would die over and over again as long as their sons, brothers and grandsons were safe.

I would have jumped into the sea. I know it doesn't help, but the heartache is just too much to bear.

My heart goes out to the victims' family and friends. Hang in there. The worst will be over when time numbs your wounds.

I'm a sloth.

My brain is literally stuck now and it's so disorganised.

Ok lets keep this short.

I vow to start blogging again and try to write things with depth.

Uh-huh!

Time to zzzzz. Bye.

p/s: umm this post doesn't look deep. well i'll try harder the next time :)

When are you getting married?

Twice, people asked me that today.

The answer I gave was: You wait la.

And JK said wait he's gonna do.

Duh!!! Is it bcos of the age? (JK said he's approaching the age to attend ppl's wedding)

This merciless thing call age.

It's cruel, harsh and totally heartless.

It gives you everything but somehow it'll take it all back from you.

Health, wisdom, wealth and in the end, it'll robbed you off your sanity too.

Dad just got back from Singapore and he visited a grandaunt who we are very closed to, especially when I was much younger.

She's the aunt who would just bited off the rambutan skins even though they are hairy and dirty. I'd 'eeeeewwwwwww' but she's just brushed it off saying: nak sap jiak, nak sap tua (that's the teow chew slang, the hokkien would have said it, la sam jiak, la sam tua), literally means eat dirtily and grow up dirtily.

And when we visit her in S'pore and if anyone of us kids have sore throat, she say let's go for ice cream to soothe it off!

She loves steamed collie flower and chestnut soup cooked with pork rib.

She has low blood sugar level and she keeps these small little colourful sweets drops in her fridge that she takes whenever she feels dizzy that I'd just secretly eat them.

But unfortunately, she's living with dementia and also stroke now.

Daddy called while I was driving home from work just now.

I just couldn't help but feel this painful slap from reality: age eats people!

When I was young, when my loved ones were still all healthy and strong, all these sick illnesses is impossible, simply no way that they could get to people I love.

But again, reality proves me very, severely wrong.

I'm sick of recalling people I love so so much who were taken away by illnesses. It drains me a lot to miss them, to think of them, the pain it gnaws on.

I need to stop here.

Bye people, live healthily. 

Lullaby

Hush, now, whimper no more…
I am with you, through it all.
Close your eyes,
Dream of the brilliant sunshine, the fresh green grass…
Let the sweet music of the bird chirrups fill your heart
Dream a thousand favourite things….

And……I am with you, 
I am there, holding your hand.
And even though my heart may break into a million pieces,
Please know I have done this out of love for you…

Though the night may be dark,
Though thunder may scare me,
Though I will never get to see your smiling face again every morning,
Though I will always miss the sound of those little footsteps…

Believe me…..

I am there, holding your hand.
I am there, praying with you
I am there, breathing with you.
I am with you, through it all….

Hush, now, whimper no more…
Don’t be scared…
An angel will be bringing you to a better place
Soon, you can race again, laughing your special laugh!

So, my precious love,
I will be with you, through the end.
I will always love you…and you know I do….
And even though my heart may break into a million pieces,
Please know I have done this out of love for you…

James TS Chua
03.02.09

When death becomes him, melancholy becomes her.

And I'm her.

Just came back from the wake, and Hong Leong you are looking like a total sissy with the make up!

And I'm still angry with you for not saying a proper goodbye.

I'm still angry with you for leaving the company before I do.

I'm still angry with you for not holding on to be my wedding photographer.

I'm still angry with you for not lending me and teaching me guitar like u promised.

I'm still angry with you for not taking me to the good porridge place that you said you'd bring me to.

I'm still angry with you for not going to pick up the x-mas present for hui ling.

And I forgive you...

But who's going to call me 'dearie' when I get into the office?

Who's taking me to laksa during our snake session?

Who's going to cover my ass when I make mistake?

Who's going to kacau me when I think of a lead for a tricky story?

Who's going to talk about dream cars with me?

Who's going to counsel me when I stumble in my relationship?

Who's going to share the latest gossip with me?

Who's going to say 'I tell you hah!' before I said it?

Who's going to say he likes the crinkle between my brows?

Who's going to be my bestest friend... ever again?

Oh I miss you dear friend... I miss you so... You're one of the first 5 persons I wanna meet in heaven and remember to reserve a good place for me there ol friend.

Rest in peace dearest, and say hi to Jesus for me.

Consumed in grief.

but I'm still praying for hope.

Been crying consecutively for days now and I didn't think it'd be this hard for me but it is, very hard, not like a stab right on the heart, it's more like being punched all over, like feeling really numb, but it hurts from inside out nevertheless.

And I miss him already... everything I see, almost everything I do I could hear his punny remarks, there's just too much it has become part of my life.

Oh Hong Leong, just be strong, and shakes God's hand, tell him you don't wanna go yet, tell him you wanna stay and wake up, wake up now!!!

I'm filled up with too much melancholy now I just so disorganised.

God Your're faithful, just work a miracle now.