bloody. today is the last day of my revision week. tomorrow i've got to sit for one paper. frankly, i dont feel that confidence this time. last sem, i felt that everything is under control, my control. but this sem, things (studies) are more unexpectable, but i guess i can manage it well.
last night had a small argue with my mum, just a tiny tiny one. but she said something which comes as a huge shock to me. she sad i'm fat that i look horrible. m i really? cos i never thought of myself as being fat, just chubby, plump. but my mom said i'm fat, wow... anyway, i don't care, i'm not my sis, i'm not a bamboo. if she thinks that i embarrass her, i can't help it either, i'm build this way, at least i'm happy with myself. maybe she can spend another 10k on me and send me to marie france, just like she did. then i might be looking like christy chung and make her proud.
i shall get to my notes now and make a final preparation for my final...

niki told me bout this artist - yoshitomo nara. i thought i saw his art pieces before, just can't remember where. anyway, he's interesting. 

sacrifice enjoy, enjoy sacrifice - Chen Shih-Hsin (taiwanese olympic taekwondo gold medalist)


p/s: i found this blog super interesting pissedliberals.blogspot.com

i'm so stress.........

at some point that i really feel like vomitting. i have my final coming up next week, but that's not the ultimate source of my pressure. this, horrible, suffocating stress is making me wanna pounce at myself, right there in the middle of my tummy, just to let go of the mighty pressure in me.
final exam will never make me feel this way, its, urgh........ a lot of problems, emotional ones, making me feel really bad. these couple of days, ooh i really donno where to start. just leave that.
just now, my parents had an interesting fight, again. its about my brother. ok, i really really really pity him that now he's got to stay in a boring apartment (my rented one) alone, to work in a very busy city, in which if u dont have much frens, its gonna make u feel much more lonely (got wat i mean?). n today, his bike broke down, again. and he has got to take the bus to work. you know, my mom, felt so bad for him, and he told my dad that they should get him a car, probably a second-hand. so my dad said what?, get him a car? he's at that age that he should really take total care of himself, i'm not gonna look after him his whole life. and bala bala bala......
well i think my dad has got a point there. sometimes, i'm really a bit angry n jealous at my siblings that when they have got that opportunity, they didnt appreciate it. i'm talking bout a couple of years back when my dad's business was at the top of the world. he could afford to send them, OUT THERE. and last year, when i graduated from high school, i was ready to get OUT THERE, but i was held back, cos my dad retired. so now im BACK HERE, watching my frens OUT THERE. i'm........ angry, i'm ANGRY!!! why m i THE ONE??? i'm ready, so ready, to get OUT THERE. and now i'm not even sure if i'm going anywhere 2 yrs later. im so doubtful, soo confuse......
my mom is always siding my bro, listening to my sis, and thinking that i'm the one who's the unsteady one. my dad is always listening to my sis, scolding my bro, and making me feel like i'm the biggest spender. well, i'm living at this time when things r really unstable. i dont know how to explain this whole thing. sch fees, the economics, the politics, the society......
i need to look forward, i have to because there is no other option. i'm lucky that i have a bunch of frens who's really there, some of them more fortunate, some of them less. they help me c things more clearly. i'm less family-oriented n more fren-bound. and i'm really glad with that.

i was doing my sociology revision and in the religion chapter, karl marx said : Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people. it is, but it is less... secularization is occuring, which means less n less ppl are believing religion, they turn to science. but last night, i watched a show, that guy said, religion has been with us for thousand of years while science is just a couple hundred years old. a lot of ppl nowadays only believe in what can be prooved by science, that guy said, its called, scientific superstitious... wat do u think?

nothing much happen, im having my study week=boring.  

my mom bought me this dzi bead this morning. i've read something about dzi beads before in a news article. it's said that they (the beads) has divine power... my mom said its good for my studies. the salesperson said its guaranteed. if no effect after 3 months, its returnable. well, i thought studies or work requires long term commitment, then u'll c how it goes. but we'll c... i really really hopes it will bring good study luck to me. when my mom told me this morning, i nearly blurt out, "y don't u get me a relationship dzi bead......." cos i needed it. but i didnt say that to her, she'll be freaked out. anyway, i love this thing. i thought it looks mysterious, dont u think so? 

alright, alright!

ok, after long hours of thinking n consideration, i've concluded that, i, didnt fall for that guy. it just happens that ppl around me are having somebody, you know, n i just grab somebody n thought that i fell for him, no no. its just a funny thought. i've made it clear, now. plus, he dont really know me, n i dont really know him, how could that ever be possible?! silly me...
my graphic design final assignment, corporate identity, is under construction. i found it quite fun, but i dont have strong,... um... feeling for it. i cant imagine myself, actually studying it. well, i guess i've found a new hobby, its really really fun. so i gotta get going n finish up my masterpiece.......

even he's old... he still looks great. he's got that aura, of a gentleman... oh.... 

wo-ho...

I think, I’m not sure whether this is good, but I felt that it’s bad, really uh-uh. Cos I think, I fell for this guy. He’s, oh, I can’t say it, I just can’t. I need more time to make sure myself…

hm...h.....

What does family means actually? I’m a bit confuse here… really, I think its so goddamn abstract that I donno what it means. Some says it’s a person’s ultimate source, I donno what exactly it means either. I say, to me, it basically means – a blank word, with no specific meaning. I’m not being self-pity or what, but I do, not feeling like I belong to my family, I mean I don’t feel useful or what. It’s so hard to explain this, cos I don’t even know it. It’s just that, we don’t have strong bond in this family. Well, at least I’m still longing for home every weekend, for Poppy. He’s the power driving me home every week. But lately, I notice that my longing-ness to come home is decreasing. From the outside, it does look graceful. All the physical, material stuff. Big house, healthy parents, beautiful kids… but in the inside, its rotting, serious cracks, it’s shattering. The damages done, nothing much could be done now, nothing could help. You know, you can’t help it, you just feel hopeless, automatically. We’re all way too grown now; it’s hard, really difficult.
My dad and bro got a fight; this is one of the few serious shits. Things are getting really sour, I just hope, with all my… heart, that things will get, even *1/100 of my pinky* this bit better… well, it sounds really naïve, but sometimes I wish I could keep some of my hopes (when I’m really hopefuls) and use them later… how nice, how sweet…

it's been quite some time since i wrote here... well, life is smooth, nth special happen actually. i definitely need something to spice up my life, say, a relationship, a man, might help... last week i was doing a sociology assignment about indian wedding. think it's quite interesting, but i do have my very own dream wedding......

this is funny, my sister sent it to me... 

and the grren light ice cubes! 

there is always something funky about the cocktail... 

wat a week... it was a busy week, and it will be a busy week ahead. cos i have 2 assignments, the deadline's next week. dang! should have prepare earlier, but the outcome, i believe, will be just the same.  

black black november... i donno y, but started from last year, my novembers is full of surprises, pack with a lot of problems, and always bring me to tears... should i call it black november, or the growth month? without all these troubles, and joys, and tears, i'll never be stronger. i'm more independent, and have more responsibility... so i guess it’s a good thing after all... oh yeah i know, i shall call these days, the bitter-sweet times...

bush wins?! if he really did win the seat, hope this time he'll do something good n nice and useful, which can convince everyone in the world that he is, really really good... but it seems like the ppl like what he did... 

how does it feels...

imagine a father tells his childeren that they make him wanna die... that they are his burdens and he finds no happiness and feels no bliss thinking bout his family. i consider that that's his failure, probably his biggest failure in his life. isn't that pitiful?
and how does the children feel? of course they feel like shit... i need not say much bout that, don't i?

tell me life is wonderful...

How nice is it if things were simpler… im having one of those feeling of helplessness again. I think its probably the worst feeling one should feel. Everytime it just makes me think and wish: if only I don’t feel a thing… if only I’m immune to helplessness, if only I have no feeling or emotions at all… if only, things were easier.
Have you ever feel that people around you are irritated because of you, that you are their burden, as if they can’t wait to dispense you, throw you away as far as they could… once again, I hate this feeling. People thought you were the only one who’s having fun, that you don’t feel that they hate you… they are so very wrong, I feel it, and it makes me think that if only, I’m not there, that I never really existed.
You can’t help it but sometimes you think that death is the easiest way out. When you see other people commit suicide, you’ll think that how dumb are they to do that. But when something really stressful and devastating happen on you, you wish you were one of them.
I feel like banging my head to the wall, and collapse, and never wake up again. But what had happened is not that serious that banging my head can’t help a thing. There’s always ways to settle things. So hope I’ll get it thru and see sunshine again.

cindy, this is for u... 

cindy!

u need to chill, chic... read ur blog, poor gal...
never know u swear, but its good, at least now there's someone i can swear with... muahahahahah
exam comes n goes, u know u did your best and that's it.
can't do anything for u but i will pray for u... n eat good stuff on behalf of u. just tell me wat u wanna eat ...... heuheuheuh...
miss u n hope to c u soon!

chilling...

i watched fahrenheit 911, and i was like laughing thru the first half of the movie cos it was fairly funny and humorous. but when it started the 911 part, i started crying all the way till it ended. especially the part when it showed the children were badly hurt and the iraqi women asking WHY? and that part when the patriotic mother lost her son... it was very emotional, and michael moore has done a great job on showing what and how bush really was and is. it's very convincing, i can't find any reason to support bush... i wasn't a bush fan, or put it this way, i'm not supportive of the republicans. they r so... war. i donno. and after watching fahrenheit 911, i kinda, hate him. i know i'm not suppose to, people do something for some reasons but i just find it difficult to accept his reasons to go ahead and destroy other ppl's home. it's so uncivilised, imagine ur houses swallowed by the inferno, smokes everywhere, *bang* *bang* *bang*!!!...
alrite i'm done here, ppl, go watch it... it's being banned from all the big cinemas in the states but it's alrite here. don't miss it...

passion.

I was buying cakes, made of flour and brown sugar and butter and crushed peanut from the uncle. It cost 60¢ a piece. The weather was hot, business was fine. But the uncle was very cheerful. He doesn’t earn much. It’s just he himself, no helper. The way he was cooking and the way he treated his customer is what made me salute him. He was smiling and was very excited when he was cooking (or I thought he looked cheerful).
He enjoys what he is doing even he doesn’t earn thousands. What matters most is he likes what he does and people appreciate what he does. Looking at him made me think of my dad. He earns a lot, but he wasn’t happy. He no longer enjoys what he did, and he lost the passion towards his job. Though he retired now, and I no longer have that much pocket money, but in some ways, I’m really glad for him. At least now he really enjoys life. Relaxing, playing golf with friends, have some fruit juice ‘round the day, have some chocolates after meals, play with Poppy whenever he feels like.
One has to have passion towards everything in his life, he’ll only be happy that way. I suppose……. Cause I’m too young to talk bout that, ain’t I?

this is really cute!!! baby gaara. 

it is, the second time that i can't post stuff via blogger. like the previous time, i wrote quite something... shame on me to make the same mistake of make copy or draft in microsoft word... boo~~~ 

it's really really frustrating cos i can't post anything via blogger and it's really really time-wasting to wait and rewrite and rewrite. so this is the final i'm going to write. and shitness, i've lost all my moods to tell wat had happened in the past few days. 

this is funny too... 

i think this is funny & cute! 

Does your name begin with: W
You are very proud, determined & refuses to take no for an answer when it come to love. Your ego is at stake all the time. You are romantic, idealistic, often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner for who she or he really is. You feel deeply about love & tends to throw all of your self into a relationship. Nothing is too good for your lover. You like playing love games.
SEPTEMBER
Suave and compromising
Careful, cautious and organised
Likes to point out people's mistakes
Likes to criticize
Quiet but able to talk well
Calm and cool
Kind and sympathetic
Concerned and detailed
Trustworthy, loyal and honest
Does work well
SensitiveThinking
Good memory
Clever and knowledgeable
Loves to look for information
Must control oneself when criticising
Able to motivate oneself
Understanding
Secretive
Loves sports, leisure and travelling
Hardly shows emotions
Tends to bottle up feelings
Choosy especially in relationships
Loves wide things
Systematic
Libra
Turn ons
Libra needs peace and harmony in all their relationship so help them maintain that. Venus the ruling planet gives them beauty and they have weakness for people who can compliment them about their beauty (you will not have to make an effort to do that anyway). You can help Libra seek union and partnership in life. If you have Libra partner you can be sure to share beautiful and pleasurable moments together.
Turn offs
Libra is kind and gentle soul but very argumentative. Hence do not start an argument or discussion unless of course you are free and do not know how to pass your time. They hate to lose and most probably in between of discussion they may change their side too (remember scales can tilt) and still continue arguing from other side. Do not push your Libra partner into making decisions. They will keep weighing pros and cons and may still not be able to come to any decision. Have patience!
*anyone who wishes to know bout themselves, leave a msg*

am i the elite, or wat?!

in older days, the media is for the elites/upper class ppl... today, the media is for the ppl... everyone.
but i still think that today's media is not really for the people but the dominant ones... or put it this way, m'sian's media is more to the dominant ppl. bcoz, if someone show something which will influence the ppl's thought, and form another opinion (bad) about someone (who is famous), that someone who showed it will get caught if the dominant ppl is/r not happy.
someone says that today's media is for the ppl, because if the ppl do not watch it, who wil? i mean, media plays an important role in one's life. ppl watch, read, listen...... to the media. and the media give information which will form a person's thoughts and opinions. n the ppl's infos r from media, which is consider as second-hand infos.
what we think r not really our thoughts, it's someone else (the journalist, the editor,... blah). you got my point? i'm kinda confuse too........ someone tell me something!!!

this is the boy, that i've started to sponsor. i think he looks shy... eh? 

my cookie... 

smile! 

miss yah! 

Yummy!!!

got cindy's presents... i'm overwhelmed... she sent me a dragonfly keychain, i've seen it before at her blog but never thaught that it's for me... and the heart-shaped chocolates, delicious! not to forget the card, i'm really touched. i was gonna take pictures of them, but i was lazy........... anyway, i'm using the dragonfly keychain. my old mate - roxy keychain, is time to rest before it's totally worn-out.
i'm feeling quite dizzy, don't know why...

this is cyn n choon hong, taken n their bday, which is only one-day difference 

mark mcgrath, sooooo sexxyy 

have been off the line for quite some days... working on my graphic design assignment, which is fun but to master photoshop is one hella big thing which requires a lot, a lot of time.
nothing much or special on my birthday, but it was really really sweet that cindy post sth on her blog, said i was the queen on my day. nice.
on my bday i wanna do something which will last... on my 17th, i got myself a navel-pierce. 2 weeks after that i got myself a tattoo, which i intend to have it with me my whole life. i will not laser it, cos its really something meaningful to me. but i can't remember me doing anything last yr, i probably didnt do anything...
this year though, is different. i didn't do anything on myself, i did something on someone else and i hope it will change his life, for good. i started sponsoring a child every month, satrting on sept, thru world vision. a boy from india. i hope by doing this, i'll have more sense of responsibility and i hope this boy's life will improve with the little money i send and also the money other ppl is sending...
a couple of yrs ago i've wanted very much to do wat im doing. but i didnt really do it back then until recently niki said she is sponsoring a child. and i wasn't like feeling much but one day back at home i happened to get a form from rd and i made up my mind i have to really do it this time. n i did it. im really glad for myself and i hope my effort will last, but not just some one-minute-heat chicken shit.

oh yeah, my cake..... eheheh... virtual cake 

my poppy...... 

me deep in thinking...... 

Happy Bday!...... to myself

today's my bday, just like any other day. i wanna make it a little more special, so instead of singing myself a bday song, i sing myself this song, one of my favourite songs...
"The First Cut Is The Deepest"
i would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and he's taken just all that i have
but if you want i'll try to love again
baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...
the first cut is the deepest
baby i know the first cut is the deepest
but when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...
i still want you by my side
just to help me dry the tears that i've cried
and i'm sure gonna give you a try
if you want i'll try to love again,
(try)baby, i'll try to love again, but i know...
OOHHH....the first cut is the deepest
baby i know the first cut is the deepest
when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst
OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
baby i know (baby i know)
the first cut is the deepest
try to love again...

daniel.......